identity pass

 

told we can all be great, and we should not hate

am i less human if i go the other way

knowing that i do not know about tomorrow

but history repeats itself

am i less human for dreading  a fail

between fears and tears

am i less human

am i less human

because i never was any ones muse

i pass

being one of them others according to your judgement

having this skin or that hair and being of such a back ground

am i an alien to your type

knowing less or more than you

speaking differently from you

does it make me a greenblood

loving things you hate or hating things you love

choosing a path other than your choiciest

do i alienate myself

am i less human

i pass

how often do you say you love me

when all you show is the love of control over me

how often do you say i am the best thing that you have

when all you see is the net worth you have of me

how more often do you want me to live your life

so you can show pleasure and pride in a borrowed lie

again i pass

with all enticements, or fear or aches that you set i’m not buying in

it will still alienate me from God’s beautfull Holiness

and im gladly the outsider to the rest of the world but not to my very own father in heaven

so still i pass

i am passing to God, a flight into the known unkown

dare you not hold me back from my only hope

even if i loose a feather or all wings

im into being made a new creature with or without wings i will fly

to where the only love that matters most is the love of the Alpha and Omega

and here i do not pass

this is my identity

and i will not pass it over

 

 

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When life gives you lemons; act like a ninja

huuuu # big sigh,

it has almost been 2 years since I last thought out loud! Not literally but sure I could put it that way. The whole time I knew me to be feeding on healthy life and tasty love at the same time until I woke up in the ER with only memories as good as sugar-coated medicine that just got thrown up. Now that I am recovering, I realize I am as shy as some one 10 times bitten.

Love and life can be as bad as human traffickers who are almost losing it all when they set the blind eye on you!

It took me exactly  4 years and circa 11 Months of building and crushing a relationship to comprehend 1% of love and life, 40% of who I am and perhaps 10% of how the rest of the human race does function under uncertain circumstances.

I have been able to achieve in this span, goals I had half set (studying and having a profession, learn a language I really need hence German, get a driving permit even if I failed the first practical test and almost gave up, and really do it all on my own as much as I only could), goals I had fully set ( Find out more about me, live a life with goals, become more open with my family and friends, depress my introvert-self, live in a metropolitan City which I not yet are but might real soon since I work close to one and I a lot more tinny things I have already forgotten or forbid myself to mention)

I however have been able to fail in achieving some goals in ways that are either humanly explainable or only supernaturally assumable.

I will for example not have a baby before I turn 26 as I always hoped but okay i still have some time, sex after marriage!, whats love?, behaving like a female who adores Barbie, gaining some weight, finding some ‘real hobbies’ and out-door activities AND staying disciplined enough to stick to it without excuses, driving myself, learning how to tailor and regularly blogging( absolute fail here #palms on my face)

Though I do not want to go deeper into this to save  two faces, I sure can say I also failed in the first relationship I ever had even when it was my goal to keep it as my one and only. Did we not love each other enough, did we each compromise too many of our personal standards for the others sake or too little for our ego’s sake, did we become superficial, did we become greedy for personal needs, was I simply inexperienced, naive and too patient or was he wrongly experienced, held-back or perhaps not reprimanding of my wrong doings???? Did we do all the best we could and still failed or did we do our worst and failed anyhow? Did one of us get caught up in the others karma or was it me pushing the supernatural powers into a position of deciding it should be over before it gets worse than it already is?

Despite the fact that some people are disappointed; one thing I am sure about now is that I am happy and proud of the chance I have taken to do things differently and hopefully better next time even if I do not really understand how. If he is doing fine I do not know but I really hope he is because not only did I take some dear gifts but also an experience I will every once in a while look into for a lesson or a good story to laugh about with some one close to me or my experience.

The details are not of relevance to anybody else but me at the moment and yet most of every one has or is likely yet to have their share of bitter pills to take; some sugar-coated and some not. If you are able to throw them up and let go of the side effects, get precocious of prescriptions of unknown descent, and use the new knowledge to keep healthier; then maybe just maybe you will be able to live fulfilled depending on your own expectations.

In every well-functioning relationship are submission, interdependence and good communication a perfect basis but a fifth full of ego, independence and alone time are almost worth as much as the earlier lot for a perfect get along or go alone in most relationships, even for those who think they are better off being totally submissive and invisible.

yours newly MBA

Grew cold and threw gold

IMG_2389

and all the other people

you broke there hearts

thinking it was no good

and now its all that gold

you look for beneath the ground

where you every now and then

get buried under burdened waves

full of ghosts of your past filth

in fives and fours your desires increase

but in this manner your own peace you dismiss

till there is nothing of you left

like that ugly sin every one wants to hide

and the great feel it once carried like spite

for every moment

you are one of the kind

just your name and thousand pains will be painted

just your face and all smiles will be fading

cause all these broken people

you can never mend them

not with your hands that framed them

and not with your words

that nailed them

not with that heart that hated them

you might say that sorry

you might mean that forgive me

but the thick bloody piles

of  your dirty files

no blind eye will over see

no deaf ear will overhear

just as mighty as they are

so are the lives that they tore

in the times that you were to high

on your seemingly immortal thoughts

that spat lies into your real fears

and now as you search rest

the hearts you once made a waste of

fade atlast

only to turn into that gold

you sought of in the empty soils

that now gather you

as you catch a far off glimpse of their light

their beauty and their worth

now even bigger than when you first saw them

MBA

confusion out of a beer glass

IMG_3728

the taste of juice in a beer glass

like the feel of rain on a hot sunny day

dresses up my conscience for a sweet moment of pity

the dreadful sight through sunglasses on a dark night

like a wind that digs deep into the sea

confuses my peace as i stumble upon troublesome hearts

the taste of your bitter words a decade after

like a spear drawn out of my side a minute after

is a relieving reason for my unhappy self

i get the sweet out of the hard sugar cane

like a homeless man enjoys even the taste of  molded bread

i learned to love the harshest memory and live with my finest enemy

now all i have is a repetitive blah blah blah

of no sense making finger pointing and self condemnation

and this is how it is going to go on and on and on and on

and ……….until you are gone

MBA

I am not a classic writer,just writing as a starter for the fun of it and to discover 😀

I’d like to encourage every one to comment on, correct, criticize. I  will be glad when you share  my Poems and follow me on this highway to imagination on my blog 😉 https://stylenard.wordpress.com