huuuu # big sigh,
it has almost been 2 years since I last thought out loud! Not literally but sure I could put it that way. The whole time I knew me to be feeding on healthy life and tasty love at the same time until I woke up in the ER with only memories as good as sugar-coated medicine that just got thrown up. Now that I am recovering, I realize I am as shy as some one 10 times bitten.
Love and life can be as bad as human traffickers who are almost losing it all when they set the blind eye on you!
It took me exactly 4 years and circa 11 Months of building and crushing a relationship to comprehend 1% of love and life, 40% of who I am and perhaps 10% of how the rest of the human race does function under uncertain circumstances.
I have been able to achieve in this span, goals I had half set (studying and having a profession, learn a language I really need hence German, get a driving permit even if I failed the first practical test and almost gave up, and really do it all on my own as much as I only could), goals I had fully set ( Find out more about me, live a life with goals, become more open with my family and friends, depress my introvert-self, live in a metropolitan City which I not yet are but might real soon since I work close to one and I a lot more tinny things I have already forgotten or forbid myself to mention)
I however have been able to fail in achieving some goals in ways that are either humanly explainable or only supernaturally assumable.
I will for example not have a baby before I turn 26 as I always hoped but okay i still have some time, sex after marriage!, whats love?, behaving like a female who adores Barbie, gaining some weight, finding some ‘real hobbies’ and out-door activities AND staying disciplined enough to stick to it without excuses, driving myself, learning how to tailor and regularly blogging( absolute fail here #palms on my face)
Though I do not want to go deeper into this to save two faces, I sure can say I also failed in the first relationship I ever had even when it was my goal to keep it as my one and only. Did we not love each other enough, did we each compromise too many of our personal standards for the others sake or too little for our ego’s sake, did we become superficial, did we become greedy for personal needs, was I simply inexperienced, naive and too patient or was he wrongly experienced, held-back or perhaps not reprimanding of my wrong doings???? Did we do all the best we could and still failed or did we do our worst and failed anyhow? Did one of us get caught up in the others karma or was it me pushing the supernatural powers into a position of deciding it should be over before it gets worse than it already is?
Despite the fact that some people are disappointed; one thing I am sure about now is that I am happy and proud of the chance I have taken to do things differently and hopefully better next time even if I do not really understand how. If he is doing fine I do not know but I really hope he is because not only did I take some dear gifts but also an experience I will every once in a while look into for a lesson or a good story to laugh about with some one close to me or my experience.
The details are not of relevance to anybody else but me at the moment and yet most of every one has or is likely yet to have their share of bitter pills to take; some sugar-coated and some not. If you are able to throw them up and let go of the side effects, get precocious of prescriptions of unknown descent, and use the new knowledge to keep healthier; then maybe just maybe you will be able to live fulfilled depending on your own expectations.
In every well-functioning relationship are submission, interdependence and good communication a perfect basis but a fifth full of ego, independence and alone time are almost worth as much as the earlier lot for a perfect get along or go alone in most relationships, even for those who think they are better off being totally submissive and invisible.
yours newly MBA
s t y l e n a r d 