Hmm well it’s been almost a year and a while since a relationship. Being the proud Mary that I was, walking back into a door he had kicked me out of was not an option so I reassured myself I deserved better. What better meant I didn’t know then and honestly, over 500 days later, I still do not.
It’s not like I could not afford to be in a relationship but, I told myself I needed to heal. Probably heal from the pain I might have caused him since I personally had only a loss of time and a few dear people I’d grown fond of in his family. Besides, it is preferable by society if you do not jump out of one into another relationship otherwise you might be looked at as one who was cheating or one who sells themselves. It’s at this point I realized this girl had likely never been in love. Not with him, not with myself and I was surely starting to question my love for God.
3 Months later I was set on a journey to understand the God I had met and lived with this whole while (the journey still continues to date). Luckily it was not a choice I made all by myself; I am not a fun of making choices be it what to eat or to do, which is why I am usually flexible to the suggestions of others and I guess it’s why I was stuck in a relationship that was not really good. Anyway back to 3 months later, I was overwhelmed with finally really growing up all by myself. This growing meant living in a new city where I knew no one here and it was a new work place right after school and zero personal-social competence. I obviously got a little depressive and doubtful of my purpose in life (I still do not know what role I am to play on earth but I am sure there is one so I don’t really doubt anymore). This time was filled with questions juggled from me to God and this is when I started loathing first but then loving the silence of God. He was showing what a gentle man He is. I carelessly speaking to Him about my selfish self and Him on the other hand just listening and not slapping me but rather holding me in His arms still in silence. I became sure of the love I had for God and was confident that He is the only one I truly und fully always loved (You can imagine the relief knowing grandma’s teachings where not in vain). Now luckily or rather blessedly I have the love of Jesus Christ that overflows in me and He has taken all my fears and doubts and is diligently placing confidence and boldness as well as an understanding I never had before into the tinny package of the human I am. All this love from God comes without Him flirting with us despite the fact that we always try to play games with Him trying to get the most of Him without a commitment and even then on many occasions He gives us more than we ask for. I started experiencing God’s love without flirting, just being honest, open and humble and He did not try to catch my attention through empty pleasantries but rather reaching out to my core brokenness with beautiful intension.
The question left in the room was now if I am ever capable of loving myself, others and above all if I can fall in love with a man when the time comes. I questioned my abilities to flirt and watched videos on how to attract a man and blah blah blah only to find out that I indeed was never a natural flirt and did not really enjoy it either. Luckily I have of late repeatedly been told; to be found by the right man, I won’t have to raise the flirt dirt to catch his eye. All I have to be is, open, prayerful and patient regardless of the order for starters. Honestly doubt still sweeps in every once in a while if I stand a chance to fall in love or if I’ll have to get into a ‘mariage de convenance’ and how it will feel like. Currently I am a messy construction site under God’s supervision yet sincerely confident that my man (no idea what he should be like) if he exists, will find a well grown lady who loves herself and her God so much that she will be able to extend that love to him and entrust him with my entire being because Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.