I didn’t have to flirt!

patiencel

 

Hmm well it’s been almost a year and a while since a relationship. Being the proud Mary that I was, walking back into a door he had kicked me out of was not an option so I reassured myself I deserved better. What better meant I didn’t know then and honestly, over 500 days later, I still do not.

It’s not like I could not afford to be in a relationship but, I told myself I needed to heal. Probably heal from the pain I might have caused him since I personally had only a loss of time and a few dear people I’d grown fond of in his family. Besides, it is preferable by society if you do not jump out of one into another relationship otherwise you might be looked at as one who was cheating or one who sells themselves. It’s at this point I realized this girl had likely never been in love. Not with him, not with myself and I was surely starting to question my love for God.

3 Months later I was set on a journey to understand the God I had met and lived with this whole while (the journey still continues to date). Luckily it was not a choice I made all by myself; I am not a fun of making choices be it what to eat or to do, which is why I am usually flexible to the suggestions of others and I guess it’s why I was stuck in a relationship that was not really good. Anyway back to 3 months later, I was overwhelmed with finally really growing up all by myself. This growing meant living in a new city where I knew no one here and it was a new work place right after school and zero personal-social competence.  I obviously got a little depressive and doubtful of my purpose in life (I still do not know what role I am to play on earth but I am sure there is one so I don’t really doubt anymore).  This time was filled with questions juggled from me to God and this is when I started loathing first but then loving the silence of God. He was showing what a gentle man He is. I carelessly speaking to Him about my selfish self and Him on the other hand just listening and not slapping me but rather holding me in His arms still in silence.  I became sure of the love I had for God and was confident that He is the only one I truly und fully always loved (You can imagine the relief knowing grandma’s teachings where not in vain). Now luckily or rather blessedly I have the love of Jesus Christ that overflows in me and He has taken all my fears and doubts and is diligently placing confidence and boldness as well as an understanding I never had before into the tinny package of the human I am. All this love from God comes without Him flirting with us despite the fact that we always try to play games with Him trying to get the most of Him without a commitment and even then on many occasions He gives us more than we ask for. I started experiencing God’s love without flirting, just being honest, open and humble and He did not try to catch my attention through empty pleasantries but rather reaching out to my core brokenness with beautiful intension.

The question left in the room was now if I am ever capable of loving myself, others and above all if I can fall in love with a man when the time comes. I questioned my abilities to flirt and watched videos on how to attract a man and blah blah blah only to find out that I indeed was never a natural flirt and did not really enjoy it either. Luckily I have of late repeatedly been told; to be found by the right man, I won’t have to raise the flirt dirt to catch his eye. All I have to be is, open, prayerful and patient regardless of the order for starters. Honestly doubt still sweeps in every once in a while if I stand a chance to fall in love or if I’ll have to get into a ‘mariage de convenance’ and how it will feel like. Currently I am a messy construction site under God’s supervision yet sincerely confident that my man  (no idea what he should be like) if he exists, will find a well grown lady who loves herself and her God so much that she will be able to extend that love to him and entrust him with my entire being because Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

MBA

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When life gives you lemons; act like a ninja

huuuu # big sigh,

it has almost been 2 years since I last thought out loud! Not literally but sure I could put it that way. The whole time I knew me to be feeding on healthy life and tasty love at the same time until I woke up in the ER with only memories as good as sugar-coated medicine that just got thrown up. Now that I am recovering, I realize I am as shy as some one 10 times bitten.

Love and life can be as bad as human traffickers who are almost losing it all when they set the blind eye on you!

It took me exactly  4 years and circa 11 Months of building and crushing a relationship to comprehend 1% of love and life, 40% of who I am and perhaps 10% of how the rest of the human race does function under uncertain circumstances.

I have been able to achieve in this span, goals I had half set (studying and having a profession, learn a language I really need hence German, get a driving permit even if I failed the first practical test and almost gave up, and really do it all on my own as much as I only could), goals I had fully set ( Find out more about me, live a life with goals, become more open with my family and friends, depress my introvert-self, live in a metropolitan City which I not yet are but might real soon since I work close to one and I a lot more tinny things I have already forgotten or forbid myself to mention)

I however have been able to fail in achieving some goals in ways that are either humanly explainable or only supernaturally assumable.

I will for example not have a baby before I turn 26 as I always hoped but okay i still have some time, sex after marriage!, whats love?, behaving like a female who adores Barbie, gaining some weight, finding some ‘real hobbies’ and out-door activities AND staying disciplined enough to stick to it without excuses, driving myself, learning how to tailor and regularly blogging( absolute fail here #palms on my face)

Though I do not want to go deeper into this to save  two faces, I sure can say I also failed in the first relationship I ever had even when it was my goal to keep it as my one and only. Did we not love each other enough, did we each compromise too many of our personal standards for the others sake or too little for our ego’s sake, did we become superficial, did we become greedy for personal needs, was I simply inexperienced, naive and too patient or was he wrongly experienced, held-back or perhaps not reprimanding of my wrong doings???? Did we do all the best we could and still failed or did we do our worst and failed anyhow? Did one of us get caught up in the others karma or was it me pushing the supernatural powers into a position of deciding it should be over before it gets worse than it already is?

Despite the fact that some people are disappointed; one thing I am sure about now is that I am happy and proud of the chance I have taken to do things differently and hopefully better next time even if I do not really understand how. If he is doing fine I do not know but I really hope he is because not only did I take some dear gifts but also an experience I will every once in a while look into for a lesson or a good story to laugh about with some one close to me or my experience.

The details are not of relevance to anybody else but me at the moment and yet most of every one has or is likely yet to have their share of bitter pills to take; some sugar-coated and some not. If you are able to throw them up and let go of the side effects, get precocious of prescriptions of unknown descent, and use the new knowledge to keep healthier; then maybe just maybe you will be able to live fulfilled depending on your own expectations.

In every well-functioning relationship are submission, interdependence and good communication a perfect basis but a fifth full of ego, independence and alone time are almost worth as much as the earlier lot for a perfect get along or go alone in most relationships, even for those who think they are better off being totally submissive and invisible.

yours newly MBA

ImageI loved you

and i loved you

i new you would love me

once you knew me

so i loved you

and i loved you

i feared you would not know me

soon enough, i would start to fear

but i loved you

and i loved you

that way i lost my fear

by and by it reared into faith

then i loved you

and i loved you

and now and then when i have you

i love you

and i love you

not to see it in my blind eyes

not to hear it from my heavy tongue

do not forget that

i loved you

and i loved you

and i love you

MBA

 

The Picture is from http://www.cooldesktopbackgrounds.net/background.php?id=23&res=4

 

PASSIONATE BLACKMAIL

Image

do i have a choice but to love you

i did have a chance but did not leave you

driven by mighty hopes and merciless passions

i use my knees once again to beg myself to stay

and my conscience says to me you will be a better man

my thoughts lie to me every time i take their word

thinking i might have made no right choice

yet my heart reasons that love knows patience

if the world was patient with me i would not have grown this fast

but does it love me anyway?

because i had to walk past the waiting line of girls for the perfect man

i stumbled on the take and don’t return guy

that left me hanging after i paid bail

now i can not talk to mama coz she said

girl it is trash if it is a rush

how would it be if i listened

how will it be if i wait

I’ll stay as long as this love i feel can blackmail me

but not a minute longer if your promises are a passionate blackmail

MBA

 

 

LEIDENSCHAFTLICHE ERPRESSUNG

Habe ich eine andere Wahl, als dich zu lieben

ich habe eine Chance gehabt, aber dich hab ich nicht verlassen

angetrieben von mächtigen Hoffnungen und gnadenlosen Leidenschaften

Ich benutze mein Knie wieder mir zu bitten, bei dir zu bleiben

und mein Unterbewusstsein sagt mir, du wirst ein besserer Mensch sein

meine Gedanken lügen mich an jedes Mal  wenn ich ihr Wort annehme

ich dachte, ich hatte keine richtige Wahl getroffen

doch mein Herz begründete, dass die liebe Geduld kennt

wenn die Welt nur Geduld mit mir hätte, wäre ich nicht so schnell gewachsen

aber  liebt mich diese überhaupt?

denn ich war vorbei gelaufen an der Warteschlange von Mädels für den perfekten Mann

i stolperte über den nimm- und gib-nicht  zurück Kerl

der ließ mich hängen, nachdem ich gegen Kaution bezahlt

nun kann ich Mama nicht ansprechen, sie sagte

Mädchen es ist nichts wert, wenn es übereilt  ist

wie wäre es, wenn ich hörte

wie wird es sein, wenn ich warten

Ich werde bleiben so lange diese Liebe mich erpressen kann

aber nicht eine Minute länger, falls deine Versprechen leidenschaftliche Erpressungen sind

MBA

 

Cold old love

Image

the most beautiful  face i always knew

now a cloud that rolls in the night

the funny laughter

now a wolf’s howl against his own pack

the warm tight hugs we once enjoyed,

a faceless wind that now pushes me away

what happened to that young fresh love my dearest of now enemies

the sweet songs we sung as the sunset,

replaced with replayed provocations

the bread we always happily made together

now, you want all for yourself

the one we had become

now only a silhouette of thousands of our facets

were does your celestial love linger

those that once adored us now mock us

but that i will not blame on you

this heartless silence you are sealing me in

drives me in a trance of my darkest blues

and here comes clueless me with my skinny mind

telling the stories of our personal globe

hoping that what once was will come back around

now dear love, i know we are old and gray

and that we have lost most of our mind to the gone days

but hey not more of this cold love no more

even when we do not know how to go about this so long

it is freezing my mind-time yet i hope it blossoms in its season

it is digging the best out of me in a time of no harvest

let us be friends again lovers again even maybe enemies that love each other

but let us make the best of our rest days before the soils yearn for our flesh

MBA

Lonesome Addiction

Please do not keep me waiting you know my impatience

and that the sun rises on me only in the night

i just  keep wondering why

When you put your arms around me

i feel i am burning from inside and leaving no ashes on either sides

the touch of your chest hair on my breast

feels like my heart is being crushed into an endless spear

the sound of your whisper close to my ear

is like the beat of a tropical song that is playing in my feet

the touch of your hands feels like a wind that undresses me in a desert

and when i see you i get swept off my feet like it were by a tree

Now i guess i feel free, but that; because the gain is cashed for me

this love makes me blue like day skies

but your laughter breaks the ground of my dark night heart

but love me at least this one last time like i have said every other last time

before i am left to the misery of my lonesome addiction

then we shall say farewell to my celestial love and a life of crime

then this will be our own time

MBA

PS: i ran into the song and i thought it perfectly fits to my ‘small complaint’ up there 😀

The glory of racism

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on a planet that naturally separated and floated its gods according to their faces

in a society where we grow up hating and worshiping skin colors and races

i choose to fall short of the glory of racism.

why black and white exist, except it be the sheds of truth

i can not explain, for they are not words of my mother’s language

and now that i can speak in more than one tongue

i have fallen short of the glory of racism

having been uprooted from the fairest of black wombs

i have grown to know the purest of hearts

and having been planted as one into a heart of a man with skin white as milk

i am falling short of the glory of racism.

what the eye sees and what the ear hears, the mind will want to judge

and out of fear of inferiority or equality a greedy heart will mock

but a strong one knows that wickedness and righteousness know no race

but now that i have fallen short of the wicked glory of racism,

i can raise my white flag at the call of love.

MBA

My mortal angel

moon heartI might not always do as i wish

but sure i will speak what i think

i might leave the truth behind

but i will not carry a lie about

figuring out that you are no saint took me a decade

but loving you like angel angel did not require practice

i do not live at the price of another

but please stay happy at the cost of some of my melancholic days

i gladly give you all these days

for when the path is rough for you my dear

i will collect the feathers that fall out of your wings

because darling at the coast of a free spirit and a burdened mortal being

you will always be the angel standing by my lonely self

and do not leave me alone or my thought

will sail me at the verge of madness and accursedness

Marion B A