self pity

who am i to say pity

when i look at myself

am less fitting

why should i take this only one kiss

when all i had were jeers

and a few shots of puked beer

i can not take on your sorry

when it is a lie my whole story

and the truth will cause a furry

ill leave without saying goodbye

no one will notice i long died

and they’ll ask why they never noticed

a room was always empty

so don’t tell jokes

i wont laugh

do not flirt

or I’ll start a fight

go on like they all do

i will be the same as they all said i would

Canvas on the go

I am not an artist but a canvas of the master’s word

Constantly on open display

My body the frame; my spirit His breath

My person the paint, my deeds the strokes

An incomplete masterpiece i am

To please or displease the eye that beholds

To encourage the heart that considers

What you perceive of me today, might as well not be tomorrow

What you love or hate about me today, might be no more later in the day

Behold the one holding the brush and not the canvas; you will be amazed

 

I do not want to be great i want to be seen

I do not have to be loved i want to be thought about

I do not want to be desired i want to be studied and hopefully learnt from

To give a sense of belonging

And not withholding the masters glory the one true greatness

I do not want to be your expectations when i can be part of my masters perfection

 

God is the creator, He has the rights to the being i am

Who is holds the brush that touches you

MBA

the love that’s mine

blossom, my fair love, from bottom

as the sun requests, open the bright petals of love and lighten these dull eyes

 

the act, the feeling, the thought,

i want it all, all this love you have,  i want it all

 

tease me, fight me, mock me

i’ll come for what’s mine, all this love you hide, its mine

 

let your love trouble you like a bad stomach

until you pour it out on me, your peace lies in giving that love to me

 

take your time, but not too long

i frail and beauty fail, for the lack of your love, your love my Sire

 

i can not command you to draw nigh

but a glance, a hearing and you will beckon me to receive whats mine

 

sense the confusion, taste the derision of a unloved damsel

this desire won’t long  be my death and this plague no more a pain

if your love you lavish on me and a language of the holy you speak

MBA

torn between day and night

 

night, the time i am excited about getting a rest from the nothingness of being

night, the time i hate for all those endless pathetic dreams and nightmares

it’s a dark place i feel safe from the glares of the others

a dark place that feeds my fears of the dangerous unknown

forced to meet with the spirits of the other world where they look no more human

and locked in with the enemy who turns boldly ugly until i call JESUS

by the only one who speaks truth, i deafen my ear

and His light i can’t on my own bare not out of the dark not out of the night

 

 

Now the morning, the time i anticipated the least about my day

when feelings become real and dreams as the wind

morning, the time i am fitted into the assured new mercies

i open my eyes and beholding sun or gray cloud

it feels like pickled cucumbers drawn out of the glass

my feet feel heavy like borrowed weights I’d claim

my bed feels like the world i try to fit in, but i slime myself back into it like i do every day

and i feel myself back to sleep, the same place my Lord says i now ought not be

‘a little slumber a little folding of the hands….’

i drag myself out of the smelly comfort

after many unnatural callings to awaken

i heed only because others do and i want to fit in

if not because i signed up for an earning, that, requires me to meet my end of the bargain

i excuse myself and my feelings, so my feet touch the ground

 

 

It is past midday and i have achieved

nothing, but being alive, a pitiful meal and perplexed questions to the divine

i don’t know what He knows but He sure is sorry my ignorance of much truth

i wouldn’t mind Him thrusting my entire being against some concrete enlightenment

but perhaps that speaks against His fair ways.

like everyone else i have to figure out the day and the night with the might i am given

as for the tasks i have chosen to take on, i partially blame me for those choices

i’d question the DNA for failing when others thrived high and well but it is busy making and taking orders

 

 

at the end of the day and the beginning of the night

the familiar and unknown draws nigh

after so many years, i could have gotten used to life

but who can claim man had the first idea of gaming,

better than the Wii, life’s challenges gets harder the more you progress you make

i might be foolish, but i won’t be cheaply fooled, i know nothing that awaits me

so i hope and believe as if to manipulate the future for my own good

while the sovereign one looks upon me

to lead me to meet a chain of good or challenge me with a passing cloud of hard or bad

 i live torn between day and night.

 

MBA

The one and the other

i have disregarded and laughed

considered and doubted

i have believed and known

to discover that all i knew up until the very moment is never the whole

 

breath in breath out

open and close the eyes

listen and deafen the hearing

but only to familliar sounds knew i to react and the new knocked on rejection before trying elsewhere

 

i have been challenged

i have been damaged

i have been bandaged

only to be thrown back into the ring before i healed if there was any courage or gladly embrassed defeat

 

i hate routine but if my body does not do what it normaly does

if my person does not routinely be

should my character not repeat

then do i even exist, have i been alive, does purpose embrace the lost and lazy

 MBA

 

 

 

Invisible potter

mother’s cries could not save her from his mighty hand
as he broke her, his vessel to make it anew
the priest’s sacrifices appeased not the slightest;
the heavens burning her solid, time and time again, not a few
it had to be as it was, or it would not of his own craftsmanship be worthy

imprisoned, to understand freedom; sorrowed, to know joy
had she not sunk so low, never would she have looked so high
to where for hers, he let not shine so strong, his glory
it had to come as was, so gratitude be cultivated and pride buried

all that heard these cries, all that felt sorrow and all that found pleasure in her pangs;
he let gather for a witness
many not hiding spite toward him, many not sparing harsh judgement toward her
how she trusted the untouched and sought refuge of the invisible
but it had to be as it was, for he never touched to leave no mark

after only so long, the softest breath could be heard proceed a deeply rested soul
they, fond of the cries and the cracking of flesh and clay felt sick from the quiet
his hand lifted, they stumbled shaken,, it could not be her, she had ceased to be
the sight of her unrecognizable; new to the very core of being,
never had they seen an invisible hand create so uniquely, so brutally a masterpiece whispering of the most tender touches
it had to be done as it was, a testimony never to be forgotten, never to be altered

 

as a portion of the once hidden glory consumed her, his very own breath and touch, invisible yet so commanding
jealously protecting her and simultaneously setting her free and with his love overflowing in her; she arose
it had to be as it was and his mark had been set yet again for a foolish generation that took pride in its inheritance.

for the uprooting of unbelief, and shaking of understanding
proof that all honored, is to this invisible God, nothing but as rags
lives highly regarded; a grain of sand if he willed it so
A vessel he could break and make to the cold or to the hot;
to the earth or to the flesh; in a second or in years; in his wrath or in his joy
it had to pass as it had, with her as he chose

the cries now songs of joy, the tears not of sorrow
it is as he saw befitting, to do as he did so it could be as he wills not for His own but their own sake
and all but just a single facete of endlessness

Hearts and spades

 

these 3 things Anger, pride and foolishness are 3 bad eggs never to be laid in or hatched of one man;

they are too heavy a force from within for the thin human skin to control without determination and a persistent reminder from our closest fellows

for the blood of another or oneself will be counted on their hands; even unanticipated because of the wickedness that proceeds the mouth and hands after perceiving even trivial things as if they were of great magnitude

 

we are human, prone to pain because of our fragile egos and unprotected from going mad because unlike our hearts, the skull doesn’t expand in a matter of seconds or situations

but a well trained soul can indeed withhold itself from harming another.

 

Every one is or was once loved by some one; just because you can not love them does not mean they are of less worth. Respect, forgive, and let live: we all have to leave someday, why take it upon yourself to stop the life of another

live and let live

RIP all early and undeserved deaths

 

identity pass

 

told we can all be great, and we should not hate

am i less human if i go the other way

knowing that i do not know about tomorrow

but history repeats itself

am i less human for dreading  a fail

between fears and tears

am i less human

am i less human

because i never was any ones muse

i pass

being one of them others according to your judgement

having this skin or that hair and being of such a back ground

am i an alien to your type

knowing less or more than you

speaking differently from you

does it make me a greenblood

loving things you hate or hating things you love

choosing a path other than your choiciest

do i alienate myself

am i less human

i pass

how often do you say you love me

when all you show is the love of control over me

how often do you say i am the best thing that you have

when all you see is the net worth you have of me

how more often do you want me to live your life

so you can show pleasure and pride in a borrowed lie

again i pass

with all enticements, or fear or aches that you set i’m not buying in

it will still alienate me from God’s beautfull Holiness

and im gladly the outsider to the rest of the world but not to my very own father in heaven

so still i pass

i am passing to God, a flight into the known unkown

dare you not hold me back from my only hope

even if i loose a feather or all wings

im into being made a new creature with or without wings i will fly

to where the only love that matters most is the love of the Alpha and Omega

and here i do not pass

this is my identity

and i will not pass it over

 

 

I didn’t have to flirt!

l

 

Hmm well it’s been almost a year and a while since a relationship. Being the proud Mary that I was, walking back into a door he had kicked me out of was not an option so I reassured myself I deserved better. What better meant I didn’t know then and honestly, over 500 days later, I still do not.

It’s not like I could not afford to be in a relationship but, I told myself I needed to heal. Probably heal from the pain I might have caused him since I personally had only a loss of time and a few dear people I’d grown fond of in his family. Besides, it is preferable by society if you do not jump out of one into another relationship otherwise you might be looked at as one who was cheating or one who sells themselves. It’s at this point I realized this girl had likely never been in love. Not with him, not with myself and I was surely starting to question my love for God.

3 Months later I was set on a journey to understand the God I had met and lived with this whole while (the journey still continues to date). Luckily it was not a choice I made all by myself; I am not a fun of making choices be it what to eat or to do, which is why I am usually flexible to the suggestions of others and I guess it’s why I was stuck in a relationship that was not really good. Anyway back to 3 months later, I was overwhelmed with finally really growing up all by myself. This growing meant living in a new city where I knew no one here and it was a new work place right after school and zero personal-social competence.  I obviously got a little depressive and doubtful of my purpose in life (I still do not know what role I am to play on earth but I am sure there is one so I don’t really doubt anymore).  This time was filled with questions juggled from me to God and this is when I started loathing first but then loving the silence of God. He was showing what a gentle man He is. I carelessly speaking to Him about my selfish self and Him on the other hand just listening and not slapping me but rather holding me in His arms still in silence.  I became sure of the love I had for God and was confident that He is the only one I truly und fully always loved (You can imagine the relief knowing grandma’s teachings where not in vain). Now luckily or rather blessedly I have the love of Jesus Christ that overflows in me and He has taken all my fears and doubts and is diligently placing confidence and boldness as well as an understanding I never had before into the tinny package of the human I am. All this love from God comes without Him flirting with us despite the fact that we always try to play games with Him trying to get the most of Him without a commitment and even then on many occasions He gives us more than we ask for. I started experiencing God’s love without flirting, just being honest, open and humble and He did not try to catch my attention through empty pleasantries but rather reaching out to my core brokenness with beautiful intension.

The question left in the room was now if I am ever capable of loving myself, others and above all if I can fall in love with a man when the time comes. I questioned my abilities to flirt and watched videos on how to attract a man and blah blah blah only to find out that I indeed was never a natural flirt and did not really enjoy it either. Luckily I have of late repeatedly been told; to be found by the right man, I won’t have to raise the flirt dirt to catch his eye. All I have to be is, open, prayerful and patient regardless of the order for starters. Honestly doubt still sweeps in every once in a while if I stand a chance to fall in love or if I’ll have to get into a ‘mariage de convenance’ and how it will feel like. Currently I am a messy construction site under God’s supervision yet sincerely confident that my man  (no idea what he should be like) if he exists, will find a well grown lady who loves herself and her God so much that she will be able to extend that love to him and entrust him with my entire being because Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

MBA

Chosen war and redeemed hope

i choose a bold suffer as a warrior for my redemption and not comfort in being a desiring slave to greed’s oppression

much as it appears to be my choice, it is one forced on me by the laws and the fears of men who could not hold back their judgement but lamented when excellence drew close or when failure took a stroll and my feet and face met on the ground overwhelmed

 

 

in the day or night i grasp towards light even in the grayest of skies

when i see none i do not hurt because then i know there is one shining through me

from a place i have stored up all the light that i ever caught

there is no life in looking into darkness but surely there is light to display the path and lead  me and that is where my heart goes

 

on my wall i see memories of the future

on the floor i feel scars from the blows printed deep

but with my head held high and my shoulders covered with budges of experience i choose to look at the wall and not the floor till a next door opens

there is not much joy in looking down on my yesterday me when my tomorrows me will have been amazing

 

i might as less as other not understand what i say now

but when i have lived long enough and my tears are run dry

my smile is multiplied in wrinkles

the light that can not be overseen will shine through me

 

 

 

and the greed or fear will pass me by at a distance

and my future will long be a past at my final destination

i will wake up at the feet of Jesus covered in the Glory of God

 

MBA

Ballet is [not] the foundation of dance.

I wouldn’t dare disagree with this point. Well written, well said.

The Adventures of J Lyn

“Ballet is the most important style to train in.”

“Ballet gives you the foundation to do all dance styles.”

“Ballet is the foundation of dance.”

For the past month and a half I have been living in a country where ballet and ballet-based genre classes barely exist. I don’t see pointed feet. Teachers don’t communicate in French terminology. Not in recreational dance classes, not in rehearsals for the National Company, not in the Dance Department’s studies at the University of Ghana. Here taking a technique class means training in Traditional Ghanaian dance. Here claiming to be a dancer means you are skilled at both Adowa and Azonto. Here Traditional Ghanaian dances are the foundation of dance exploration and studies.

Here an Afrocentric approach is enough. Is valid. Is complete.

Yet in the States I can’t escape hearing, “Ballet is the most important style to train in. Ballet gives you the…

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For the first time in exactly a month I have  an escape from my self declared exile. Yes, I moved to this city on the 1st.of the month thinking am moving to a metropolitan city only to find out it is actually just next to it. So much excitement that I even failed to realize I’m not moving to the place I want to. Any way back to th

When life gives you lemons; act like a ninja

huuuu # big sigh,

it has almost been 2 years since I last thought out loud! Not literally but sure I could put it that way. The whole time I knew me to be feeding on healthy life and tasty love at the same time until I woke up in the ER with only memories as good as sugar-coated medicine that just got thrown up. Now that I am recovering, I realize I am as shy as some one 10 times bitten.

Love and life can be as bad as human traffickers who are almost losing it all when they set the blind eye on you!

It took me exactly  4 years and circa 11 Months of building and crushing a relationship to comprehend 1% of love and life, 40% of who I am and perhaps 10% of how the rest of the human race does function under uncertain circumstances.

I have been able to achieve in this span, goals I had half set (studying and having a profession, learn a language I really need hence German, get a driving permit even if I failed the first practical test and almost gave up, and really do it all on my own as much as I only could), goals I had fully set ( Find out more about me, live a life with goals, become more open with my family and friends, depress my introvert-self, live in a metropolitan City which I not yet are but might real soon since I work close to one and I a lot more tinny things I have already forgotten or forbid myself to mention)

I however have been able to fail in achieving some goals in ways that are either humanly explainable or only supernaturally assumable.

I will for example not have a baby before I turn 26 as I always hoped but okay i still have some time, sex after marriage!, whats love?, behaving like a female who adores Barbie, gaining some weight, finding some ‘real hobbies’ and out-door activities AND staying disciplined enough to stick to it without excuses, driving myself, learning how to tailor and regularly blogging( absolute fail here #palms on my face)

Though I do not want to go deeper into this to save  two faces, I sure can say I also failed in the first relationship I ever had even when it was my goal to keep it as my one and only. Did we not love each other enough, did we each compromise too many of our personal standards for the others sake or too little for our ego’s sake, did we become superficial, did we become greedy for personal needs, was I simply inexperienced, naive and too patient or was he wrongly experienced, held-back or perhaps not reprimanding of my wrong doings???? Did we do all the best we could and still failed or did we do our worst and failed anyhow? Did one of us get caught up in the others karma or was it me pushing the supernatural powers into a position of deciding it should be over before it gets worse than it already is?

Despite the fact that some people are disappointed; one thing I am sure about now is that I am happy and proud of the chance I have taken to do things differently and hopefully better next time even if I do not really understand how. If he is doing fine I do not know but I really hope he is because not only did I take some dear gifts but also an experience I will every once in a while look into for a lesson or a good story to laugh about with some one close to me or my experience.

The details are not of relevance to anybody else but me at the moment and yet most of every one has or is likely yet to have their share of bitter pills to take; some sugar-coated and some not. If you are able to throw them up and let go of the side effects, get precocious of prescriptions of unknown descent, and use the new knowledge to keep healthier; then maybe just maybe you will be able to live fulfilled depending on your own expectations.

In every well-functioning relationship are submission, interdependence and good communication a perfect basis but a fifth full of ego, independence and alone time are almost worth as much as the earlier lot for a perfect get along or go alone in most relationships, even for those who think they are better off being totally submissive and invisible.

yours newly MBA

Fashion Designers, And Boutique Owners Wanted

What’s The Difference Between Lagos and Berlin Guys?

My Fashion S/ash Life

Now I’m dwelling in Port Harcourt Slash ‘The Land That The Good Lord Forgot’, but a few weekends ago I was sitting in a club a male friend had taken me out to.  The table consisted of his friends and I, and they had bought me a cocktail, and when I finished it, I turned round to my friend and asked, ‘What would you like to drink?’.  My male friend shook his head, looked at me and said, ‘Biki, we are not in Berlin anymore’.  I laughed, and ‘got it’- I was now in Lagos, a city where its the norm and almost expected for the woman to have drinks poured on her from every angle, and she need not return the favour.

I know what some of you might be thinking- ‘You may not pay that night but you sure will later!!”  But I remember a night which…

View original post 1,279 more words

There but for the grace… pastors escaping the power-trip pitfalls

Originally posted on QuaerentiaOLD:
We could call them the ‘pastor’s power pitfalls.’ There are many. Too many. It’s actually scary how much power a pastor wields – for good… and ill. It’s one of the key issues that has preoccupied me a…

proverbs

don’t judge a book by its cover

after you have torn it out!

one by one makes a bundle

and that’s how you always handle

it takes two to play the game

when ever it has no name

Birds of a feather flock together!

but through such weather I’ll pluck yours further.

a stitch in time saves nine

so that is not mine cause Africans do not keep time

and when they do it saves none

Sweet potatoes and ground ground nuts.

For a late lunch, boiled sweet potatoes and g.nut sauce( stir the g.nut powder or paste with cold water until smooth then add chopped onions. Place on heat cooking plate and continue stirring until it is relatively think ; add salt to taste after cooking for about 20minutes at mid  temperature say 50°c or less. Let cook for another 5 minutes and is ready to serve ). Guten Appetit.

Ps: good with avocado and fresh juice. Bad for those with alcers and often heartburn.

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